
If I’m honest, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with southern Africa. I love it immensely, but when I am there, I feel a nostalgic sadness that I hate. For the past 10 years, I’ve chalked it up to a type of homesickness called hiraeth. It’s a Welsh word that translates in English to a longing for a home that no longer exists. But last month, sitting at the edge of the Indian Ocean, watching the waves crash on the rocks, I looked a little further into it.
I love my life. I love my husband, my job, my grandchildren. I had none of these things in southern Africa, and if I’d stayed there, I would still have none of them. I don’t actually prefer my life in Cape Town to my life here. (Except the weather. It’s 98F with 95% humidity outside right now in North Carolina! I do prefer the weather in Cape Town. But I think that’s just common sense.) So why do I feel so sad that I no longer have a life I don’t want back?
The beautiful thing about honest seeking is that when we truly seek an answer to life’s tough questions, He always gives us one. (Matt. 7:7) So as I sat on the rocks honestly asking that question, Jesus answered me.
“You don’t miss southern Africa. You don’t even miss your life here. You miss the you that you were before everything happened.” (In case you’re reading this and don’t know me, “everything” can be summarized as the unexpected disintegration of my first marriage and its consequences in the hearts of my children and me.)
Oof. I like to feel like I’ve grown so much since then and healed completely. But it’s a lie. I have grown in so many ways. But healed completely? Nah.
The thing is, I used to believe God is good. I’m not sure I have really believed that for the past ten years. Not in the deepest part of my heart. I believe wholeheartedly in His power, His strength, His love, and His redemption. But goodness? Sure, long-term goodness. We will be forever with Him in heaven, and hard things on Earth won’t matter anymore. I can get behind that idea. But good to me here, now? Well… I guess it depends on how you define good.
David talked about how many difficulties he was facing in Psalm 27. Scholars are divided as to whether it was written while he was running from Saul’s murderous rage or Absalom’s insolent rebellion. Either way, David described enemies surrounding him, lying about him, making war against him. He even said he was forsaken by his father and mother.
Nowhere in the Psalm does David record God making his life easier. He doesn’t say that God showed up and wiped his enemies off the face of the earth, or even that He defeated them. No, instead, David talks about God hiding him, shielding him, and taking him in. But most of the Psalm isn’t about what God does in the fight. Most of it is about David’s fervent desire to be in God’s presence and see His face. Near the end, he makes a telling statement: “I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (v.13)
Despair can be consuming, or it can be quiet. Consuming despair is loud and overwhelming. It drives us to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol; it pushes us to the extreme. But quiet despair is sneaky. We go about our lives in our normal way, and it whispers softly in our ears that God is not for us, is not trustworthy, has abandoned us.
I have lived a decade with a quiet despair that has whispered that God doesn’t care about my happiness, only my holiness. That He is working for my eternal good while ignoring my earthly good. That He will use me up and empty the strength from me, asking me to pour out what I don’t have and reminding me that His strength is sufficient. And that in the end, I will see His face, and it will all be worth it.
The lies are so subtle. Because every one is almost true. And I fell for them. For years. Maybe you have too. So here are a few truths to counteract the lies that despair may be whispering in your ears.
God cares more about my holiness than my happiness. He never wants me to be happy at the expense of being holy. He’s prioritizing my eternal good over my earthly good, but He wants good things for me on earth too. He will use me to pour out things I never knew were in me until I needed to pour them out. His strength is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. And when I see His face, every hard thing is worth it.
Do you see how subtle the changes are? But what a difference those little changes make!
Psalm 27 speaks to the difference in verse 8: “When You said, ‘Seek My face,’ My heart said to You, ‘Your face, Lord, I will seek.’” If I don’t seek God’s face, I won’t see His face, and I’ll struggle to believe that God is good. Seeing God shuts the door on despair. It quiets the lies that lead to fear.
And so, last month, as I sat on the rocks at Vic Bay, God said, “Seek my face.” I have lived a decade seeking God’s provision, His will, His purpose, His direction. But I’ve been distracted by those things from seeking His face. Gazing on His beauty, enjoying His presence. And as I seek His face, I find myself refreshed and reminded: Yes, God is good.




